Revenant

Even when his day was supposed to be over, he was not done working. It was as if there was always something to do when he was around. The chores randomly spawned whenever he was walking by. This time he was told to clean up the docks after the shipbuilders had left. Because it was autumn, it got dark fairly early. He had to be careful not to trip over materials lying around, cluttering the work spaces. At least tugging on the heavy pieces of wood kept him warm. The sun was already setting and the breeze that was going through the bay, was quite cold as well. Even his warmest tunic couldn’t really protect him from the cold. And it wasn’t even winter yet. Oh well, he would make it through it, like he did every year. At least they were allowed to keep a fire going if it really got cold through the night. It wasn’t as if they were treating them like animals, right?

When he was almost finished, he happened to stumble across some tools that seemed way too expensive to be shared tools from the communal toolbox. When he picked them up, and inspected them more closely, he could see the initials FS. It didn’t take him long to figure out they had to belong to Freyja. A heavy sigh slipped over his lips. His day would go on a little while longer, so it seemed. If it had been anyone’s tools but Freyja’s, he would probably just leave them where he found them. But now.. Now he picked them up, carefully tucked them away in a piece of fabric and walked in the direction of the houses.

The houses were way more expensive looking than the shed he shared with some other thralls. With his dirty clothing, he almost seemed out of place here. So he hurried a bit, hoping he would knock on the right door. He had no idea if the huge family of sisters still lived in this house, but they had to. Otherwise he’d just ask for directions. With the bag of tools in his one hand, he knocked on the door with his other. His blue eyes followed the cracks in the wood for a bit. He took a deep breath. It had been a long time since he had spoken to any of the Stafnsdóttirs, except for Freyja. He wondered if they would still remember who he was, after all that time. He hoped it would be Freyja herself that would open the door, so he could just hand over the tools and leave. He still didn’t feel quite comfortable, and he tended to avoid these types of confrontation.

&Visna

This neighbourhood wasn’t that strange to him, but he didn’t belong here anymore. He used to come here quite often, when he was a child. Playing hide and seek really helped with getting to know the area. He knew about all the little hiding spots, all the alleys and so on. Places to avoid as well, as adults usually weren’t too happy with yelling kids when they were trying to focus on work. He used to be comfortable around here. Now he felt like he should just turn around and run all the way back to the docks. His wooden shed might not be the best place to hide for the elements of nature, but it was home. In that aspect, his mother was more lucky than he was. As a female thrall, and an older woman, she could live in one of the rooms in the manor. It was alright though. He couldn’t imagine her surviving a winter in the shed he had to live in. He didn’t really have a good relationship with her, but he could be somewhat happy for her she had it better than he did.

When the door opened, as expected, she didn’t recognise him right away. He didn’t really know how to feel about it. Did he have to be sad? Offended? Maybe he was a bit lucky though. Now he could just hand over the tools and leave. But then a spark of epiphany was visible in her eyes. ”Maurr?” She exclaimed. ”Yes hi ehh-..”, He started, but then he was interrupted by the younger girl giving him a hug. Well, that was.. Unexpected? A bit confused he managed to wrap his arm around the small frame of her hips though. He didn’t want to be rude, but it was.. Kind of uncomfortable. It didn’t feel right for him to act like he was anything more than a thrall.

”What can I do for you?” She then asked. He lifted up the improvised bag with the tools. ”I found these while I was cleaning up. I think they belong to your sister”, He explained. He had no idea if she would recognise the tools, or if she possibly might go see if her sister could come out to confirm they were hers. But he was fairly sure. Hopefully she would appreciate his efforts. Not that he expected her to. It was kind of his job to do things like this anyways.

It was pretty clear Visna hadn’t changed much. She was still this spontaneous, vibrant person. Not afraid to give him a hug either, so it seemed. It took him by surprise, as he was not used to someone voluntarily giving him some sort of affection. It wasn’t as if he didn’t like it though. It actually felt quite nice. But thanks to his hesitation, he made her feel uncomfortable too. She felt like she needed to explain herself. ”Oh no, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see you too”, He reacted, after which he looked down for a second, avoiding her gaze. ”It surprised me for a second”, He then shrugged. He looked up again, managed to pull up the corner of his mouth in a little genuine smile. He didn’t smile much, so that too felt a little weird, but he did mean it. To cover up the awkward moment, he held up the tools and revealed the reason that brought him to her door at this time of the evening.

”Oh, let me see.” Visna said, and he handed over the package. She took a look at the content and quickly confirmed they were Freyja’s. ”Thank you for coming all the way here, you didn’t have to.” She then said. ”It’s no problem, it was on my way home anyway”, He replied. That was actually a lie. He didn’t live anywhere near her house. It was just hard to admit to her he had changed. Everyone seemed to be so happy with their fate. No one complained. He was the only one who hated his ‘job’. Who struggled to adjust to his destiny.

”It is almost dinner time, do you want to join us?” She then asked, distracting himself from his own thoughts. Again, he was surprised. She didn’t have to ask him. Share their food. Winter was coming, and soon people would have to survive from their stockpile. But it would be nice to have a decent meal for once. Not go to bed with an empty stomach. ”I would love to but.. Wouldn’t your mother mind? Or your sisters?” He asked. He didn’t want to invade their privacy, or eat the food they would probably need when it got colder.

Apparently he was good in fucking things up. When they both were kids, hugging had never been an issue. Why did he make it an issue now? Instead of just hugging her back, he had flinched, and now she thought he didn’t like her hugs anymore. Which was not true at all! In fact, he had missed them a lot. He had missed her. But now he had ruined it, maybe beyond repair. He should just drop of the tools and go home. It would be better for the both of them. He didn’t want to make her feel bad again. She didn’t deserve that. If he knew anything about her, was that she was a kindhearted person and he was only lucky she still knew who he was and seemed to care about him in a way. Otherwise she wouldn’t have hugged him, right? Or was he overthinking it too much?

It was probably the case. She still invited him inside to have dinner. And even though he already felt bad about eating their provision. Plus, she wasn’t alone in the house. One of her sisters, or even her mother, might not be that happy if he was to walk in randomly. ”They probably already ate dinner, but I am starving." She said, trying to convince him to come in anyways. ”So you will have to settle for me probably." She continued. That was the final little push he needed. If it was just the two of them, it would be much calmer and he would be able to adjust quicker. ”Just you is fine”, He said, even with a little smile. Maurr walked inside when she opened the door further. The interior was mostly the same as he remembered it. ”This way, right?” He asked, pointing in the general direction of the room where the kitchen was.

Crisis avoided. They moved past the awkward part, and instead of sending him away, she invited him inside. It was hard for him to accept, but he couldn’t just say no and turn his back on her. Again. It felt wrong, so he walked inside instead. It had been years since he had been in a real house. He rarely had to go into the village to pick up stuff or to deliver messages. When that happened, he would never even cross the threshold. His shed only had one ‘room’ where he and the others would sleep. It wasn’t really a house. They just slept on the floor. They were lucky to have blankets, and when it started freezing, they were allowed to light a fire in a pit in the middle of the room. Walking in here also brought a weird feeling of nostalgia to him. He used to run into this house as if he was one of them. The place hadn’t changed much. He even remembered where the dining room was!

”You still remember.” Visna commented, and he smiled because of the enthusiasm in her voice. ”I do, vaguely”, He chuckled. ”Come on, let’s go eat.” She said, and out of nowhere she grabbed his hand. He was more prepared for it now though, so after the initial sudden touch, he kind of automatically held on to hers as well. ”Please take a seat.” She said when they had arrived in the kitchen. ”Mother made a soup.” She let him know. ”Soup sounds really nice”, He said, and he really meant it. The only thing the thralls got to eat was some cooked fish and bread. If they were lucky, the fish was freshly cooked. During the winter they were promised one hot meal a day, but their owner tended to forget that promise. When he got the bowl in front of him, he almost started drooling. ”This smells so good”, He noted, quietly. Did she even realise how rare this moment was for him? Probably not.

Maurr took a spoon full of soup and stuffed it in his mouth after blowing on it softly. It wasn’t that hot anymore, because the pot had been standing on a low fire for a while. But it didn’t matter. It was still so much better than what he had expected to eat tonight. ”So, what have you been up to lately? It feels like I don’t even know what’s going on in this village anymore”, He asked. He had no idea what she did for a living. He knew Sofie had started her training to become a shield maiden, but he couldn’t remember Visna doing the same. Probably because she didn’t. Which left him thinking about what she could have chosen to learn as a job. If he would have had a choice, he would have done the same as Sofie, to be honest. But instead he was a thrall, and he would be one for the rest of his life.

After the initial awkwardness, he adjusted pretty quickly to how spontaneous she was. She didn’t seem to mind they hadn’t seen each other for years. She still hugged him and grabbed his hand. It came so naturally, and he was kind of in awe. It felt like he was thrown back to his childhood, when everything was not as complicated as today. He felt more in touch with himself than he had in a while. When she giggled, he could feel his chest warm up. A light chuckle rolled over his lips as well. Her good vibes were putting him in a better mood as well and it showed. Lately, he didn’t laugh much. There was not a lot to be happy about. But now he was. He was happy to have found Freyja’s tools, and happy Visna was the one to have opened the door when he knocked on it. Sitting at the table, casually having a conversation and eating soup, almost made him forget about the harsh way of life he had to deal with every day. As if she blocked that part of him out by just being herself.

His question was a logical one, but it would get him into trouble. ”I work with mother at her shop.” She replied. ”I am pretty good at it.” She then said, with a little wink. "I bet you are", He chuckled. He just had another spoon of soup when she asked her next question. ”What about you? I know you work with Freyja at the docks. Are you her apprentice?” She said, and he choked on his soup. He could barely hold back the tears when he coughed pretty intense. She didn't know. Oh no. Oh no no no, this was bad. When he finally was able to stop coughing, he stared at her blankly for a couple of seconds. ”Nobody told you?” He asked, still quite baffled by the fact she had no idea he was not an apprentice, but a thrall.

Maurr put down the spoon and folded his hands in his lap. He pinched at his own skin for a second, after which he sighed softly. ”I ehh.. I’m a thrall, because my mother is one too”, He confessed, as he braced himself for her reaction. Would she judge him? Would she suddenly regret inviting him in? At this point, he felt like he had been hiding it from her. As if he had been lying to her. And it made him feel even more bad. ”I’m sorry, I really thought you knew”, He said quietly. ”If you want me to go I’d understand”, He continued, finally focussing his blue eyes back on her.

The casual conversation they got going soon got interrupted by a question he should have seen coming. He had started this subject and kind of assumed she was aware of his ‘profession’. So he hadn’t expected she would return the question to him. He choked on his soup and coughed a couple of times to get rid of the tickling feeling in his throat. Then came the horrid moment where he had to tell her the truth. He felt very vulnerable, and above all scared. What if she would get mad at him? What if she didn’t want to associate with people like him at all? It scared him so much, as he suddenly realised how bad he would feel if she decided to kick him out. They had just tried to reconnect, after a long time of not talking, and it felt like they had spent every day together. Even Maurr knew that had to mean something. With her he could feel like a human, not just a tool or property. But maybe that would change now.

The silence in between them almost hurt him physically. He was getting more nervous by the second, and he tensed up without controlling it. It was his defence mechanism kicking in, trying to trigger the fight-or-flight reflex. He couldn’t just bolt out though. So he asked her if she wanted him to go. He would understand if she said yes. He wouldn’t discuss the matter, he wouldn’t refuse. She seemed to be surprised by his words. She immediately jumped up and ran over to him in a few steps. He didn’t see it coming, so he kind of froze on the spot as she knelt down and grabbed his hands. His blue eyes met hers, as they were locking his. ”Do not even think about it.” She said, firmly, not allowing any protest. ”You know that I don’t care, right?” She then said, after which she continued. ”You know that this doesn’t change the fact that I still love you, right?”

Again, his heart seemed to stop, but this time not in a bad way. Even though he could feel his cheeks glow softly while they were turning red. He didn’t know if she really meant to say it like that. Still, it didn’t happen a lot someone actually showed some type of affection to him. So naturally, he started to tear up. He gently pulled his hand away from hers to rub his eyes until he was sure no drop would escape. He exhaled softly. He wished she could be closer to him, but he didn’t dare to just touch her without her permission. ”Can I get another hug, please?” He therefore asked, his voice shaking a bit with the emotions he was feeling. He just wanted to hold her tight for a while, but only if she agreed to that of course.

Their casual conversation had turned into an emotional rollercoaster. He hadn’t meant for it to take this turn, but it just happened. For a moment, he had no idea what to do or say. As per usual, he was completely dependant on her reaction. He didn’t know if she would judge him, or kick him out, or maybe even get mad at him for not telling her earlier. He was also scared he would lose her again. All those worries were unnecessary though. Quickly she reassured him she wouldn’t think of him any different now that she knew. She also promised it didn’t matter at all. It was hard for him to believe her, even though he could see she was genuine by the way she was looking at him. And again he wished he could just be normal, the shipbuilder apprentice she thought he was. So this whole thing wouldn’t be as complicated. She deserved someone better and it would take a long time before he would ever think otherwise. For now, he just enjoyed her gentle touch, her soft words and her attempts to make him feel better. It was so much effort and she didn’t even have to do this. But she did, and it touched his heart.

Not a lot of people ever did something for him without expecting him to pay them back in some kind of way. These types of gestures usually only came from his mother, and he hadn’t seen her in a long time. Since he had been sent off to the harbour, they had been separated. He didn’t even know if she was still healthy and safe. Not many people cared about thralls. But Visna did, or at least she wanted him to know that. Maurr was overwhelmed with emotions, and the urge to hold her close again. He didn’t dare to just pull her in his lap though. He never assumed he was allowed to do anything. So he did what he always did. He asked her for permission.

Immediately, she got up, but this time she was moving way slower. When she grabbed his hands and put them around her waist, he felt relieved. She sat down and he wrapped his arms tighter around her. She snuggled up against him and he softly inhaled her scent. It was so familiar but also so new. It wasn’t weird or awkward though. It just felt normal. It felt right. ”Please, never ask me such questions again.” She said, and he could hear how her voice was clouded with emotions too. ”Just know that the answer is always yes.” She continued. He just nodded softly, completely speechless by her gesture. When he heard her sniffle, he squeezed her a bit harder for a second. ”Don’t cry”, He said. ”You’re okay, everything is okay”, He continued softly, while rubbing her back gently.

Maurr had never been one to talk much, or be good with words in general. He was quiet most of the time, especially because he wasn’t always allowed to speak. Keeping his thoughts to himself was how he survived. There had been a time where he had sometimes argued with his master, but that had never turned out great for him. Right now, he wanted to speak, but he couldn’t come up with the right words. His throat felt as if someone was choking him. His heart felt like it could explode any minute. So many feelings were rushing through him and he had no idea on what to focus. He was happy and sad at the same time. He couldn’t express it though. He had never been good with words. But sometimes one didn’t need words to communicate. With her permission, he just held her, stroking her back as she was apparently overwhelmed by emotions as well.

It was a very weird position to be in, but he wouldn’t say a word about it. He wouldn’t judge her. If she felt the need to cry, then it was her right to do so. He also wanted to be there for her, trying to make her calm down again. It was his fault she was crying anyways, so he might at least do an attempt to reassure her. It seemed like it was working, luckily. She pulled herself back, and he let her go, although he moved his hands to her hips now. She touched him ever so lightly, shooting him a weak smile. ”Yes, everything is okay.” She echoed his words softly. For a second they just sat in silence, as he was looking up a bit to catch her gaze.

Of course he was in doubt now. His heart was basically screaming to kiss her, but his mind was too occupied with the consequences again. For once, he wanted his heart to win though. He already had a shitty life. It couldn’t really get any worse. So why not take the leap? Risk it all, as he had nothing to lose anyways. He would regret it forever if he didn’t do it. His blue eyes dropped down a bit, looking at her lips now. Slowly he minimised the distance in between them, closing his eyes as soon as his lips softly touched hers. It was still a bit hesitant, but he kissed her. He kissed her. After a few moments he let go of her. Again, he waited for any type of reaction, hoping it would be as positive as the last one.

What if he made a terrible mistake? For a moment he looked at her, trying to say something, but he was speechless. The thought crossed his mind that he had crossed a line. A thrall wasn’t supposed to talk to anyone who wasn’t another thrall. They were to befriend the other thralls, if they were not fighting each other for the last warm fur at night. And yet here he was, sitting in the house where he had spent a lot of his childhood but didn’t really belong. On his lap, one of the daughters of the woman who had fed him when his own mother couldn’t afford to buy bread. As his mother before him, he had no property, no job, no money. There was nothing else to give her than his heart. Her mother must’ve had something else in mind for her. A strong warrior, maybe. Or a boatbuilder, like her late husband. Even another villager would be a better option, and now he was kissing her.

His heartbeat, that had been higher thanks to the rush of adrenaline and feelings, now seemed to stop completely while he was waiting for her reaction. He wanted to say something, do something, but he was completely frozen. His blue eyes were focused on her and he was about to sit back and take some distance from her. But then she pulled him closer, her hand reached for the back of his head and kept him in place when she kissed him again. This time, he didn’t worry about anything anymore, which made him enjoy the experience even more. He pulled her closer, shifting his body a bit so they would touch more.

A little bit out of breath he pulled back again, but he kept her firmly in place. He looked up to her, with a smile on his face. For the first time in forever he felt happy. A nice and warm feeling in his chest, that was spreading throughout his whole body. It was a fragile feeling though. At any moment, it could collapse again. ”Are you sure about this?” He asked softly. The fact that she had kissed him back, was the proof he needed. But he wanted to hear her say it out loud. Loving her would be easy. Loving himself enough to be confident she would love him back, not so much.

His heart and mind were in a constant battle with each other and there was no way to stop it. He tried really hard to let go of his thoughts. He wanted it really badly, not only for himself but also for her. To prove that he was as much into this as she was. He wanted to show her he had the same dedication. It just wasn’t as easy as he had hoped. The last thing he wanted, was to disappoint her. So he had to let his heart win. His feelings for her were undeniable. Whenever he would see her from a distance he would feel his heart skip a beat. His mind would linger to her at night, sometimes, when he couldn’t sleep. Or she was the reason he failed to drift of. He had never really figured out what it meant, but now he knew. Now it made sense. It was what people would call a crush, and he had it for a while now, without even realising.

For so long, he had suppressed those feelings. Because he was not supposed to have them in the first place. It could get them both in trouble. It was still possible that it would at some point. If not with her mother, then with his owner or maybe even the earl. And he would not be able to protect her. There was nothing he could say or do to justify him being with her. But at this point, that was the only thing he wanted. He needed to be sure if she felt the same way though. Because if he was to dive into this head first, take a leap of faith, then he would need someone to hold his hand. Figuratively speaking. He needed just a little bit of confirmation that he wouldn’t have to do this on his own.

”I am sure. Absolutely.”

Her words brought a little smile to the corners of his mouth and tears to his eyes. Again. Dear Odin he had cried a lot this evening. ”I’m sorry I’m just.. Overwhelmed”, He softly chuckled, in an attempt to lighten up the mood a bit. Both for his sake as hers. He rubbed the back of his hand against his eyes for a second, forcing back the tears again. She had just blessed him with the greatest gift. And he was happy. For sure he was. There was just so much going on at the same time, a storm of emotions he couldn’t calm down. Maybe he shouldn’t have to try. Maybe this storm was normal. Maybe she was feeling the same. ”I’m so glad you opened that door tonight”, He hummed softly, tracing the tips of his finger across her cheek towards her neck. How such a small event could change so much.