The morning after [Thora]

Thora is certain Thor himself has taken up residence in her skull, beating against her mind with his mighty hammer. Her brother Audun is snoring blissfully across the room, and she grabs the first clothes that come to her hand and ducks behind the curtain to pull them on. Her hair is still braided from last night, and she doesn't bother to straighten them out, only pulls her boots on and heads out into the sunlight. She immediately curses the sun itself, raising a hand to shield her sensitive eyes. She deserves this. She is weak and wavering, and she deserves so much worse than a hangover. She feels terrible and uncertain about her place in the world, confused images of last night swimming through her head like some nightmare she can't escape. She keeps her head down as she aimlessly wanders the streets, because looking up into the light is painful.

She lets her feet carry her where they will, just thankful for the clean, crisp fall air. She looks up at the sound of a groan, and immediately pauses. Ubbe, his head in his hands, looking every bit as terrible as she feels. Something in her stomach roils violently, but by some miracle she doesn't vomit. She wonders if the rolling in her stomach is the aftereffects of the ale or her kiss with Ubbe. She feels guilty for walking away from him, for the way the night turned out, and she hopes she didn't ruin her friendship with Ubbe by following his brother outside. She wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to see her, but he's too important to her to just walk away from. Thora takes a deep breath, bracing herself, and continues walking toward him. She stops a little in front of him, wants to reach forward and run her fingers along his temples to soothe the headache she's certain is bothering him. She resists the urge, in case he doesn't want her to touch him.

Before last night, she would have touched him with little hesitation, certain of his friendship. She isn't sure what changed because of last night. She opts instead for a light tone of voice. "You look like how I feel." Her voice is a little raspy, she clears her throat and gives him a small smile. There's uncertainty and guilt in her green eyes, and she can't help taking another step toward him. "Ubbe?" Her voice wobbles on his name, and she gulps. She braces herself like she's waiting for him to strike her, to tell her to leave Kattegat and never come back, because she's so weak and so foolish. It's hard for her to look at him--not only because of her guilt, but because he's sitting in the sun. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to tell you everything?" Gone is the joking, the easy game of teasing they usually play, replaced by her fear of Ubbe turning her away. He's been nothing but a good friend to her, and she's not worthy of him but she wants to be.

When Ubbe looks up at her, leaning his back against the wall, and speaks her own words back to her, most of the tension melts from her. He smiles up at her and she grins back with a small laugh. "Then let's agree to never drink that much again." She takes a small step toward him, encouraged by his easy tone, some of the fear of his anger leaving her. When he says it isn't her fault, she only shakes her head and drops her eyes back to the ground. She scuffs the toe of her boot into the dirt, watching a small dust cloud rise and settle before she's able to look up at him again. "It feels like it is, though." She shook her head. "He didn't tell me anything except that the only thing I can give him is pain." A small, slightly bitter laugh escapes her. "I'd thought he and I reached an understanding earlier in the night, but," she shrugs, "I was clearly wrong."


When he guesses her thoughts--that she thinks he's mad at her--she isn't surprised. He's always so good at reading her emotions. His voice was soft when he said her name, and just that was enough to make her feel a little better. When Ubbe says he doesn't blame her, her knees nearly buckle with the relief of it. He isn't angry, he doesn't hate her. "You have every right to be mad at me. I shouldn't have walked away from you. I didn't want to. I won't walk away from you again, not unless you tell me to." She closes the space between them and sinks to the ground with a small groan. "Everything hurts," she notes with a grimace. Thora leans forward, rubbing her forehead against Ubbe's knee to ease the ache there. She lifts her head to playfully bite the bend of his knee, a slow smile growing on her face as she moves her bright green eyes to meet his blue ones. "I don't regret anything, either." She considers for a moment. "Well, not that, anyway."


She rests her chin on his knee, looking quietly up at him for a moment before she speaks again. One hand curls lightly around the back of his leg. "But I owe you an explanation or an apology, your choice." She tilts her head, chin still resting on his knee. "Probably both." She admits. "I'm happy you aren't mad at me, Ubbe."

She sees the way his eyes close when he chuckles, and guesses it's because of the hangover. She sympathizes, but his little laugh awakens some small happiness in her. She's happy to see him again, and so grateful he isn't angry with her. She chuckles herself when he says they can promise to never drink that much, but they'll never stick to it. "You're right." She feels his eyes on her as she kicks the dirt, and the smile she gives him is edged with sadness when he whispers that it isn't her fault. "You may change your mind when I tell you the full story. I'll take responsibility for my part in it, just as Bjorn will have to. But you..." Thora shakes her head, slowly, and the movement makes pain shoot through her temples. "You did nothing wrong." She settles herself on the ground, looking up at Ubbe as he speaks. Thora doesn't know what she did to earn Ubbe's presence in her life, but she's grateful for it.

She looks up at him, her chin still resting on his knee, green eyes glinting with some of her usual humor. "I promised you before I even knew who you were, Ubbe Ragnarsson, that I would always stand by you. You told me to follow Bjorn. I tried to come to an understanding with him, you saw how that turned out. So I return to my original promise: I will fight at your side if you will have me." His hand is gentle as he smooths a strand of her hair into place, and she leans into Ubbe's hand with a soft sigh, her green eyes closing for a moment before she looks up at him. Thora grins, turning her head to press a quick kiss to Ubbe's hand. "It still surprises me sometimes, how gentle you are." He's sighing her name, then, and worry rises in her chest. Then his lips are on her hair, soft and gentle, and she calms. The light kiss is so different from last night--his demanding mouth, the warmth of him pressed against her. This is something softer than ale-soaked lust, something more serious than the time she bit his lip in the woods.

Of course they can't always be playful banter and easy teasing. Sometimes they'll have to be serious, but it doesn't mean things between them are hard. Because even this, even the vulnerability she's about to show him, feels safe. She trusts Ubbe. He's had the chance to hurt her so many times, and he's never done it. She meets his eyes as he says he promised to always be by her side, and rises quickly to her knees. One hand rests on his shoulder to help her balance, and she presses a quick, gentle kiss to his cheek. "And I'll be by yours." She squeezes his shoulder once before letting go and sinking back to the ground. She snorts. "Of course I came back. I don't think I could stay away from you. And really, I'd rather not find out."

She pauses to rub her aching forehead against his knee again, before resting her chin on his leg and looking up at Ubbe once more. "Alright, so I don't owe you anything, but I want to give you an explanation." She sighs, looking away quickly before settling her eyes back on Ubbe's face. Maybe there's some lingering touch of ale in her blood, or maybe the hangover makes it easier to lower the walls she usually keeps up. "Did you know I was a little afraid of you, when we first met in the woods? Before I came to Kattegat, I lived in my brother's house in Uddevalla, always afraid my husband was going to drag me out the door by my hair and take revenge for the scar I left on his face." She's talking quickly, eager to get the story over with. "Bjorn stepped in last night when some drunk tried to lay his hands on me, and he asked me why I was afraid, so I told him. Then he walked away, and you found me, and you know what happened next." She sighs, a sound that seems to come from her very bones. The first time I ever spoke to Bjorn, he told me there was no place for a girl like me in the shield wall. Sometimes I think he was right. I had a shield split in half in my hand and was not afraid. Rough hands frighten me more than death itself." She raises her head from his knee, searching his blue eyes, waiting. She's come clean, and now, surely, this is what will make him turn from her, because she is not fearless like she should be.

She watches the movements of his fingers as he plays with the strand of hay, admiring the grace in his hands. When he says he maybe, or may not be guilty, she looks up at him with a smirk. "If we're still blaming people for the way last night turned out, I would like to add my brother Audun to the list. I should have thrown something at him before I left my house this morning." Her voice is light, joking like usual, but in a way it's true. She wouldn't have gone to the feast if Audun hadn't come, and then it had been he who pushed her into the line of dancers because he knew how much she loved to dance. And if she hadn't been dancing, she wouldn't have been shoved into Bjorn had revealed so much of herself to him. She never would have seen the vulnerability and pain in him, never created a chance for Bjorn to draw his ax on Ubbe. But if Audun hadn't convinced her to go to the feast, she never would have shared that kiss with Ubbe, and that's one thing she will never regret.

She doesn't answer when he says he would have her, only closes her eyes and pushes her head into his gentle hands. She opens her eyes to kiss his hand, then looks up at him when he says not to tell anyone else how gentle he is. The wink he gives her makes a warmth rise in her belly, his smile draws a laugh out of her. "Your secret is safe with me. I'll be sure to tell everyone only how fierce and brave you are." She listens as he continues talking, and tilts her head as if she's thinking. "Kindness and love," she muses, voice quiet, bright green eyes considering him. "They're scarce in Uddevalla sometimes." She chuckles a little when he says he isn't turning into his brother, that he can't be violent all the time. "I'll thank the gods every day that you are yourself, and not turning into your brother." She turns her head to nuzzle her cheek against his knee, almost like an affectionate cat does. Thora is a little surprised with how open she's feeling this morning, but maybe the events of last night tore down walls that she's kept up for too long. Maybe this will all make her stronger. Only time will tell.

She only snorts as she sinks back to the ground, something like amusement glinting in her green eyes as he tosses the hay away. And then she's giving him the explanation she feels he deserves, although he says she owes him nothing. He's her friend, and she trusts him, and she thinks he deserves to know why she is the way she is. She watches him, the way his hands clench into fists, and slowly one of her hands goes to his, stroking along his thumb, soothing. She's never seen Ubbe angry, and she doesn't want to be the cause of it. She doesn't flinch at the anger in his voice as he responds, only looking up at him with steady eyes. "I never told you because it never seemed like the right time. And yes, you were drunk and you touched me but I wanted you to touch me, and I trust you." Thora doesn't add that she will allow him to touch her anytime he wants to, she feels it's obvious from the way she rests her chin on his knee, from the way her hand is wrapped around his leg.

She only watches him as he speaks again, reaching his hand toward her but letting it fall onto his knee instead of touching her. She doesn't ask if she's one of the people he would be afraid to see die, because she's afraid he will say no. "That is not an uncommon fear, but it is one everyone faces eventually." She gives a heavy sigh and turns her head so her cheek is resting on his knee. She grabs his hand, the one resting on her knee, and turns the palm to face her. She studies his calluses briefly but turns her gaze back to him as he speaks again. "That may be true, but I have always known I was born for the shield wall. If that is taken from me, I don't know where my place is." She snorts when he says Bjorn shouldn't have left her at the feast. "For all his strength, it seems to me that maybe Bjorn is more full of pain than anyone realizes." She shrugs one shoulder, a slow smile growing on her face. "But if he hadn't left me, you wouldn't have found me. And now I don't have to wonder anymore what your kiss tastes like." If he reads between her words, he'll understand what she's saying: that she had thought about kissing him ever since that day in the woods. She quirks her eyebrows at him, wondering if he'll catch the meaning behind her words.

Thora, like Ubbe, comes from a big family. Unlike Ubbe, she's the youngest of four, and one of two daughters. She's been tested and taunted her whole life by brothers who liked the fire in her, who taught her to fight like a fury. She'd been taught to weave and sew and cook by her older sister, the one who had no desire for the shield wall. Her brothers encouraged the fighting, gave her a battered old shield the summer she turned ten and taught her to wield it like it was part of her. Her sister, resigned that Thora would never be a calm woman, had taught her what little she knew of binding wounds. That was the one thing she'd taught that Thora found useful and interesting. She had no great healing skill, though, merely enough to hopefully keep a wounded man alive until she could get him to a healer. She doesn't know how to ease pain, to restore strength and how to calm a person in pain. Those skills are far beyond her. What besides ale could have made her think she could help Bjorn? She is no healer, only a killer.

"How about we don't blame anyone but the gods? Blaming is a waste of time, all we can do is deal with it as best as we can." She grins up at him as he talks about his brother, wagging an accusatory finger at him. "Kindness and love," she repeats again, laughing as she looks up at Ubbe. "You say it's here in Kattegat, and yet I haven't seen it." She winks as she finishes speaking. Of course she's seen kindness in Kattegat, and the man who's shown it to her is sitting in front of her. The thought fills her with something strange that she ignores because she doesn't know how to deal with it. He's been kind to her since the very beginning when she scared away his deer, all the way up until now. He's forgiven her for following his brother without hesitation. He's kind, he's one of the best people she's met in her life, and in that instant Thora would die for him without a second thought. He inspires devotion, this kind man before her, and it's so strong it startles her. Thora's reasons for coming to Kattegat were simple. Her father had loved the stories of Ragnar Lothbrok, but lost the use of his arm and been unable to fight. Thora wants to honor his memory by wielding her father's sword for the sons of Ragnar. She did not expect to care for them beyond that. She would die for them because it is her duty, but she would die for Ubbe because she's devoted to him beyond simple duty.

"You love your brothers." Thora states, narrowing her green eyes like she's accusing him of something terrible, but she's smiling. It's a simple statement but it fills Thora with the ache of homesickness. She consoles herself by remembering that Audun is snoring away in her house right now.

After her explanation, Ubbe wraps her hand up in his, and he's sighing her name. She's revealed so much of herself to him now, but she doesn't feel vulnerable like she thought she would. She only feels safe, and unburdened, like telling her secret to Ubbe has taken away some of its terrible power. She's not as afraid in Kattegat, she doesn't live with the constant, gnawing fear that her ex-husband is going to come looking for her. Even though here she lives alone and it would be easy, she's confident he won't come. Kattegat is a safe haven for her, a place of healing. She looks up at Ubbe as he tells her he couldn't understand, but he would respect what she went through. "It is in the past now, Ubbe. I'm trying to make it stay there. I'm not afraid in Kattegat, like I was in Uddevalla." She shrugs, offering him a weak smile. "I hope it does not change the way you look at me." Her voice is a murmur. Part of the reason she didn't tell many people about it was that she was a shieldmaiden. She was supposed to be fierce, strong, and yet she'd been so weak. She was ashamed.

Ubbe is speaking again, saying he will get her in the shield wall, and she grins up at him as his hand knocks against hers. "Of course you will. You'll need me in the shield wall, to keep you safe." She laughs, knowing Ubbe was fully capable of defending himself. She knew he would be fierce in the shield wall, a force to be reckoned with, and she only wanted to see him fight. He would be a whirlwind of sword and shield, beautiful splattered in the blood of his enemies, and she only wanted to fight by his side like she'd promised. She shrugged again as Ubbe says he knows all that happened, but never guessed at Bjorn's pain. "He is Ironside. He feels he can have no pain, no weakness." She may not have a name like Ironside to live up to, but she feels the same drive: to be seen as strong, as ferocious, always without weakness. There is part of Thora that understands Bjorn, and it's that part of her that bade her to follow him outside last night.

She throws her head back laughing when Ubbe says there's still plenty to worry about, then drops her head into her hands with a groan, her head throbbing. Thora looks up at Ubbe through her fingers, bright green eyes glinting. Her hands hide her teasing smirk. "I invite you to settle your curiosity whenever you want." She drops her hands to rest on Ubbe's knees, and tilts her head as she looks up at him. Ubbe mutters that he might still be half drunk and Thora only laughs a little. She licks her lips quickly as she contemplates Ubbe. She's thinking about kissing him again, wondering what would happen if she stood up and pressed her lips to his this very moment. "I think I'm still a little drunk, too," she admits, her gaze dropping from Ubbe's eyes to his lips.

Thora can't help the playful grin she gives him when he says she's right. "Of course I'm right, I'm always right." She's laughing as she says it, knowing full well that Ubbe is aware of many times that she actually wasn't right. But for the sake of their game, she says it. Their game is comfortable, their game is safe and familiar, and Thora still desperately wants to feel calm. It's hard with the storm raging inside her, the confusion and hurt from last night, and the lingering fog of the ale. But she knows Ubbe will know she's just joking, that that's just part of their game, and so she says it. When he says his efforts at kindness weren't good enough for her, she knows he's joking but her playful demeanor is gone in an instant.

"All you've ever shown me is kindness. So much more kindness than I deserve." She murmurs, shaking her head, before looking up at him with a small smile. "It's why I promised to fight by your side. Not because of your father's name, but because of that kindness. There's a shortage of kind people in the world, I think." Thora shurgs, not quite able to meet his eyes. She's seen violence in more places than just the shield wall, and maybe it left more of a mark on her than she'd first thought. But maybe it matters less, now that she's in Kattegat and has seen there's still kindness left in the world, in Ubbe and Sassa. She laughs, his mischevious grin pulling her out of her strange thoughts, as he tells her that if she wants kindness, all she has to do is find him. "Then I guess it's lucky I seem to keep finding you right when I need kindness most." She still can't be as playful as she usually is, with the dark thoughts and ale lingering so nearby, but she can still smile up at him with anusement glinting in her green eyes.

When he asks her why her past would change anything, it's a struggle for her to meet his eyes, but his fingers are gentle under her chin and she relaxes at his touch. She takes a deep breath before answering. "Because I'm supposed to be strong, and I was weak for too long. I left him with a scary, at least." She shrugs, as if it didn't matter. As if finding the strength to stand up for herself hadn't been harder than standing in the shield wall. She presses her face wordlessly into his fingers when he says he only wants to keep her closer, and hopes that's enough for him to understand. She wants to be by his side, it's just hard to express it right now, when she feels so vulnerable.

She's finally able to laugh when he says they need to fight some more, so he can prove how strong he is. "Maybe I think fighting you is a joy. Maybe I'm teasing you so you'll fight me again."  She challenges, grinning up at him with a wink. She watches his eyes to unfocused as he looks beyond her, and his next words are heavy. They can't escape the events of last night, no matter how badly they may want to. "Someday he will have to face that pain,
or it will tear him apart." She sighs. "If it hasn't already. I would try to help him, but he probably does not want my help." She doesn't add that maybe that's for the best, that maybe her trying to help Bjorn would make them both weaker. At first she'd thought it would make them stronger, but now she isn't so sure. She would rather stay here, safe and comfortable with Ubbe, than try to find and confront his stormy, pain-filled elder brother.

She sees the guilt on his face when she looks up at him between her fingers, her gaze dropping to his lips, and it brings her back to the moment they're in. It's so easy to forget what happened last night when Ubbe is smiling in front of her, but she can't. They can't. His head drops closer to hers, his finger twirling in a strand of her golden hair, and all she wants to do is give in to him. To press her lips to his and forget everything else for a few minutes. But following that impulse is exactly what created the trouble they're now facing. "I'm sorry." She whispers, turning her head to brush her lips lightly along the fingers against her face, and then abruptly she backs up with a heavy sigh. She scoots backward, giving them both some space. Being with Ubbe is so easy, and it's easy to forget the problems with him nearby and the ale eager to help her forget. "Probably not the best time for us to think about kissing." She tilts her head, giving him a crooked little half-smile, before winking at him. "As much as I would like to." There's a hint of teasing in her voice when she says the last bit, hoping to steer the conversation into a little bit of an easier place.

Thora laughs when he tells her not to get used to his kindness, her first real, honest laugh all morning, because she believes in her bones that Ubbe is good, and nothing will ever change that. The corners of her bright green eyes crinkle as she looks up at him, still giggling a little, and she raises her eyebrows and tries to look serious. "Of course not. I'll expect you to start being mean to me at any moment, if that makes you feel better." She chuckles again, the lightest she's felt all day. She doesn't know why that statement tickled her the way it did, maybe she's finally going just a bit insane from all that's happened the past few days. One thing she's glad for is that the ale seems to be slowly loosening its hold on her, the headache less fierce than it had been when she woke up, and her stomach has settled into a less uneasy state. Maybe that's why she laughs, because she finally feels a little more human. Not much more human, but enough to make a difference.

She only rolls her eyes when he tells her she deserves more than all this, and she isn't quite sure what he means by that but she decides to address it anyway. "That isn't for you to decide, Ubbe.
I'm content to let the gods decide what I deserve, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about their intentions." She merely shrugs, acknowledging that the strange whims of the gods are beyond her understanding. The hand that she's curled around the back of his leg squeezes gently when he whispers that he'll always be here, and she smiles softly up at him. "So will I. I swear it." He makes the weight of the world fall away somehow, and she does the same for him. The connection they have is one she can't ignore, but nor does she understand it quite yet. She's grateful for it--it makes them great companions for the shield-wall, but even better friends. She's glad that even something as foolish as a drunken kiss hasn't changed whatever it is that lies between them, but the events that followed it seem to be pulling them closer together. As if together they can handle it, can help each other grow stronger. Most of their friendship had been based on teasing and laughing, but she finds that she's glad they can speak of serious things, too.

She only raises her eyebrows when he says it's strength that pulled her through those days. She wants to tell him that if she was stronger, Bjorn wouldn't have affected her the way he did. That if she was stronger, they wouldn't be in this situation right now. But she doesn't say it. She knows he's only going to tell her that she is strong, and right now she can't bear to hear that lie again. She only wants to forget her weakness, to banish it to a place where it can't hurt anyone anymore. She knows she needs to get stronger, and she knows that she will. She just isn't quite sure how yet, but that will come in time if it pleases the gods. Instead she just presses her face against Ubbe's fingers and lets his gentle touch erase the things she's worrying about for a moment. She grins at the smile on his face when he says he'll fight her again, he'll fight her until she makes him stronger, until he beats her. She grabs his hand for a moment and inspects the calluses on his hands, reading the story of the weapons he's handled and the training he's gone through, and she only shakes her head as she looks back at him, smiling. "Then we'll fight every day until you beat me, in a hundred years." She teases, squeezing his hand for a beat before releasing it. She's looking forward to fighting with Ubbe again. She knows he's good enough that he could fight in a shield wall although he hasn't yet, and she intends to be by his side. For that, they'll need to fight together often. To learn each other's quirks and habits to become a better fighting team.

And then they're talking about serious matters again, because today is not a day for laughter and fun. "Be careful, Ubbe. He might still be angry. Maybe take one of your other brothers?" She knows it's foolish to worry, but Bjorn is a legendary fighter who clearly has little control of his temper when he's drunk. She can't help but worry a bit for Ubbe's safety, although he doesn't seem bothered by the thought of talking to his brother. And why should he? They're brothers. But most of what Thora's seen from Bjorn has been violence and anger, with some small hints of tenderness and pain. She hates that she wants to help him, after how he's acted. But she does. She hates that the thought of Bjorn, the memory of last night, makes her pull back from her and Ubbe. She hates the small space between them, but Thora knows that right now it's for the best. She gives him a small smile when he says he would rather be thinking about kissing, too, and winks up at him. "Maybe when all this is sorted out...." She trails off with a shrug and looks up at him. Who can tell where this is headed?

Thora raised her eyebrows when Ubbe asked why being mean to her would make him feel better. Because she'd caused all the problems, obviously, but Ubbe had already told her he didn't blame her. She guessed by his logic it made no sense for him to be mad at her, but even so she thought he had the right to be, if he chose. She doesn't answer, not wanting to go back into blaming when they'd already decided that was a waste of time. She's only grateful he isn't angry. She expected him to be angry when she found him. Maybe he was right about one thing though. Maybe the gods had set her here for a new start. She's managed to make a mess of things in the past few days, but before that things had been going very smoothly. She smiles up at him. "You're right. Ubbe the wise." she winks quickly, reaching up a hand to tug gently on his beard.

She looks mildly offended when he accuses her of mean tricks, but slowly that morphs into a wicked grin. "Mean tricks? And here I was thinking you liked that trick as much as I did." Her grin fades as he says that he can get angry too, and she shakes her head, looking thoughtfully up at him. "I fear your anger more than Bjorn's. Even the gods may flinch before a kind man's anger, because it is usually justified. Anger is a powerful fuel, but I hope it never fuels you." Her smile turns sad, slipping off her face, but her green eyes are steady. "But if it ever does, I won't run from your anger, Ubbe." She doesn't answer, only shakes her head and looks away, when he asks what could possibly ly happen if he's alone with Bjorn.

She's back to smiling when he says he has to go check on his damage, and she snorts. "You didn't make any damage, Ubbe." She wants to touch him again, to close the space between them, but she leaves it be. She's almost ashamed that she can think of touching him during a time like this, but she smiles when he tells her to get more rest. She stands, stretching as she does, and sighs. She considers Ubbe, his charming wink and easy smile, and finally her face cracks into a wide grin. Her cheeks are pink, even after last night, or maybe because of it, she's far from immune to his charm. "First I have to prove to my brother that I can throw an ax better than he can, but maybe after that." This time she doesn't give in to the urge to close the distance between them, her fingers gentle as they trail over it his cheek and then her hand drops to squeeze his shoulder. "Make sure you get some rest, too." She removes her hand and turns, quickly getting lost in the crowd.